I missed this before horny werewolf day, but I imagine Better readers won’t hold it against me: a UK dairy farm was offering the chance to have one of their cows named after your loved one. That’s such a lovely tribute, associating your girlfriend or wife with an animal who’ll be exploited until she’s no longer economically viable, at which point she’ll be “retired” in a manner that dairies don’t like to talk about but which involves something that rhymes with “blotterhouse.”

If you’re really lucky, your wife or girlfriend – oh, sorry, the cow that you’ve romantically named after your wife or girlfriend – will be forced to breed (sexy!) and have one or more offspring who can be sold as veal! Yep, that’ll get you laid.

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